I Am Not Just Being Selfish

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Recently a friend texted me upset because a family member wasn’t being understanding of the complications due to her autoimmune disease. My friend was very distraught as this had her in tears because she was being expected to do something that she knew she was not capable of handling and I was reminded of my own situation and how many times I have had to learn to say no to someone in order to put my own well being and illness first.

Here’s the thing I live with Bipolar 1 Disorder

Here’s the thing I live with mental illness Bipolar 1 Disorder along with a slew of other co-morbid disorders to go with it. It sometimes takes me all I have, to get through the day. Some days mustering up a shower can be more than I want to do. (I do it but that’s because it’s something that my husband and I have set in my care plan as one of my must do’s each day in order to stay well.) I know that for me, taking on more than I feel I can handle is never going to end in a good situation. I had to teach myself that telling others no I don’t have the time, or simply saying you know I am not feeling myself right now I just wouldn’t feel right saying I would do something I can’t be sure I can do, makes me a lot less filled with anxiety then trying to suffer through a situation that makes me terribly uncomfortable or a situation where I may have to call and cancel out on an obligation all together.

I don’t like to have to cancel on people but many times my disorder takes the drivers wheel so I may say something like “I am going to say yes, but please be aware that I haven’t been feeling very well and may not be able to do what I plan.” Giving myself an out, just in case I don’t feel up to it the day I am supposed to go through with something for someone else.

I am a high functioning person with mental illness

I am a high functioning person with mental illness and many times if you were to just look at me, you would never know that I was having issues with the thoughts inside my brain. However, at any given moment I assure you it is a battle to keep the negative thoughts at bay and keep myself grounded. Sometimes I get lost in my over thinking and I must step away from a situation and get a break and I need the others around me to know that. I should never have to apologize for being sick. Does aunt Sylvie have to apologize because she got cancer and must be on oxygen and no longer can take the stairs. No because we don’t look at cancer the same way we do someone with mental illness. However, I promise you it can be just as draining.

When someone is in a bipolar episode, Julie A. Fast of the blog Bipolar Happens likens the rebuilding of someone’s life afterwards to that of a person rebuilding their life and home after a natural disaster. It takes just as long for someone who experiences a major life-altering episode to find stable ground again. If it takes six months to rebuild a town after a hurricane it will take that long for someone to rebuild their life after an episode. Let’s be honest, when did you last see a town truly rebuild that fast after a hurricane without some lasting effects.

Daily bipolar care plans are key to success

When your family member is able to return to stable days faster than that, you should look at them with pride because that means they are doing the work in their bipolar care plan daily so when an episode happens it won’t hit quite so badly. Daily bipolar care plans are key to success with this disorder because it gives us a way to keep ourselves on track even when doing well. If we slack and we don’t put our illness first that is when bipolar is going to rear its ugly head and knock us for what we are worth.

When you have mental illness or any other illness it is important to remember that it is not selfish to put yourself first. Setting boundaries and setting limits are good for children because we are teaching them right from wrong. Setting personal boundaries is teaching others how they can and can’t treat us. We deserve to not feel badly about how badly we already are feeling. We hate the fact that we can’t be all things to the people we love. I however refuse to believe that I should be made to feel bad because I wish to protect myself from becoming sicker and possibly facing hospitalization. My advice is that you should remember to put yourself and your illness first because you and your family are going to end up benefiting in the long run!

Becoming Whole

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Pain. At one point or another we all have some sort of pain. That pain could be emotional or physical and if I am being honest with you, I would tell you, I have many more scars from the emotionally scars of pain, then I ever will have when it comes to the physical scars of pain. Frankly my life because I live with bipolar 1 disorder and borderline personality disorder is an emotional roller coaster.

Bipolar Disorder is a Mental Illness that is characterized by extreme mood shifts. Ranging from Manic to Suicidal Depression, the symptoms of the disorder have gotten to where there really are too many symptoms to list as they differ from individual to individual so greatly. The main thing I try to remember about my bipolar disorder is that the symptoms that are caused by my bipolar disorder can be modified or controlled by medications. Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality disorder which differs from a mood disorder because it is not genetic for one it was brought on by a traumatic experience for that person. Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave. There is some research that shows it could have a genetic component or that it could because due to brain abnormalities however, most research reflects that it is caused from stress in childhood that causes the issues later in life.

Borderline Personality Disorder also gives way to other mental illnesses like depression and bipolar disorder but on like depression where you can take an anti-depressant or bipolar where there are numerous options for medication Borderline Personality Disorder is controlled by behavior modification and learning how to control yourself and be mindful of how you treat others and the ways you are reacting to the situations as the unfold throughout the day.

I normally do not have a problem with my borderline personality disorder. Many years ago, I learned mindfulness and was able to use it to guide myself through my daily activities seamlessly without much effort. I have raised four children and been married 21 years. I thought I don’t even need to research this disorder much I have it figured out before I even really know what it is, I have been diagnosed with.

I have always concentrated on the bipolar part of my illness I always have tried to learn everything I can about all my symptoms and all the ways I can keep myself from having any issues with my episodes. What I am learning though is what triggers those episodes are the symptoms that they list for borderline personality disorder. If I am feeling rejected, I will go into an episode. If I am lonely, here comes an episode. If I feel harshly judged, it sends me into an episode. My husband must work late suddenly I have an episode. I have the impulsive spending and gambling I thought that was bipolar but is it possible that it is part of the borderline personality disorder and that is the reason medication never seemed to help that symptom.

There is also the fact that one minute I have all the confidence in the world, and then the next minute I am scared to be seen, which is common for people with borderline personality disorder. I didn’t know about this symptom, and it is a symptom I will be looking further into because if there was one thing that I could change about myself it would be the confidence I have in myself. I would give myself the confidence to believe I am capable of all things. To believe I am good enough, and to believe I am wanted. Confidence has been a key factor for me lately in my life, and a key component for complete healing, and until I can feel truly confident in myself, I won’t ever feel whole. Maybe that is asking for too much, but it is a hope I have for myself someday to truly feel confident in my own skin, and comfortable. Not with just the way I look, but with the human I am as well. I need to know I have something of value to offer this world.  

All of this can be mixed in with the same symptoms that are included with bipolar disorder, who’s to say which is which. I know I have both because of the actual voice that accompanied my suicidal depression telling me to just end it all. Along with the delusional disorder that comes when I work in a traditional work environment and my psychosis sets in because my co-workers are all conspiring to get me fired because they can’t stand me and then slowly the paranoia creeps into other areas of my life and I can’t control the thoughts that come at me so quickly, judging me, and telling me others dislike me as much as I dislike myself.

Bipolar is no joke, but I am quickly learning that I may not have been giving as much attention to a diagnosis that is just as an important part of me getting well as bipolar disorder. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and the key to me feeling 100% worthy of living a fulfilling life is probably hidden somewhere within that diagnosis and I am looking forward to discovering more about how these two disorders intersect and how to manage them both much more fully. I have hope to becoming Whole!

Contentment

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Over the last several months I have seen my mental health recovery take a major blow. I went from being stable in my recovery to have a major episode of mania to a major episode of depression. It is amazing to me how I was so prepared yet I still managed to have such a horrible experience and devastating ramifications from such an episode.

I have been married for almost 22 years and my husband and I have had our ups and downs due to my illness. Over the last five years, we have really learned how to work together. That was until recently. It seems like somehow we have lost all the ways we once knew how to communicate. We lost touch with how we once loved each other and how we cared for each other.

It has been a complete struggle for me since I have been dealing with delusional thought processes and feelings of discontent. I often struggle with feelings of discontent in my life so that isn’t something new for me. However, sometimes the feelings are so strong that I have no control over trying to make something new happen in my life. I struggle to make something exciting and something different to take effect and to take hold. Many times that may be starting a new friendship or a new career or another line of education. I see it as growth. My husband, however, sees it as another failed attempt I have made towards succeeding at something that I tried and didn’t like. I do not think if I am not content in something I should do it forever. Especially since I am not the breadwinner of the family and many times the things I am doing are just another job of some sort that pays minimum wage or just slightly more. Until a job is more than a job but an actual career I don’t see why I should be forced to do something I am not content or happy in.

This last episode has taught me a few things and in a way, I am glad I have had it happen. I have been very complacent. Just letting life pass by, not knowing what to do next. I have been so scared of starting over again. I have been so worried because of my husbands fear of my failure, my own insecurities of failure blossomed and began to form and take over my life. It was like when he doubted I could actually make something happen in my life I no longer believed in myself either and that became a fundamental problem in me. Not believing something as simple as being able to hold down a part-time job made me lose all the value I had in myself as a human being and doubting that I could even hold down a part-time job because I was so broken because of my illness made me feel so dehumanized. Not to mention trapped. Trapped and not able to get out of my house but trapped in a marriage that even though I wanted to stay in it knowing I had no other choice was infuriating. I felt as though my husband had made me stop believing in myself and made me believe I would fail in order to control me and make me stay with him and make me believe I was so broken no one else would ever want me and he was my only option for survival.

Now in saying this, it sounds as if my husband is a bad guy. I need to say, no my husband is great. If he did control me he did so out of love, without knowing he did so. He never meant it to come across how it did. He never meant for me to feel devalued or worthless it was never his intent for me to feel that way. Every morning my husband gets into a safe and gets out my medication and sets it out and he picks up all my medications at the pharmacy weekly, he takes damn good care of me and provides a damn good life for us. So why do I feel controlled?

It’s simple really. He doesn’t believe in me. He is always waiting for the shoe to drop. He is always waiting for the mess up. He is always expecting the fail. When you have already failed in someone’s eyes before you begin, then you are never going to live up to the expectation that they have set for you. He doesn’t believe I can do it. I start school in the fall for digital media, I wonder how many classes I will have to pass before he realizes I am actually in school and that school is my first priority.

I make things happen. It’s what I do. When I am not content I begin something new to fill a void. A new friendship, a new career, a new line of education. I have laid dormant for three years, I am ready to find some contentment again. I am ready to find some peace of mind. I am ready for something to keep my racing thoughts from racing, something to keep me busy. I am ready for school. I am ready.

“Positive Vibes”

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“Smile and the world smiles with you if you frown you frown alone” a simple saying that I was told my whole life. I had no clue what this saying truly meant when I was a freshman writing it on the board for the quote of the day because the teacher had forgotten to write a quote yet I felt the board needed her daily quote and since I wasn’t particularly smart that was the only thing I could come up with. It was a saying my mom would say to me when I would walk around the house saying, “I’m bored” and whine and cry because I wanted something to do. Not so different than I do now, meaning I still have ADHD and bipolar disorder and I still get really bored and whine and cry about it, only I am a grown up now. Today someone told me the same quote as I laughed about the fact that my smile is authentic, and I often keep a smile on my face these days even when facing depression.

It was about two years ago that I realized the need to cut people out of my social circle when they had a negative influence on my positive vibe due to the fact that the effect my moods because of me having bipolar disorder. Bipolar Disorder is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day to day activities. I had made a good friend within a group of friends my husband and I had begun hanging around. She and I had started to go shopping on weekdays and go to lunch, sometimes her boyfriend would join us and it was fun at first.

I then started to notice she would get lost in thoughts about her relationship with him and that she would often time be lost wondering if he loved her or often times if he even liked her. On one occasion her and her boyfriend and my husband and I went to dinner and somehow I was very upset by the end of the dinner about another person within our social circle because of her boyfriend as we say “stirring the shit pot” purposely to cause trouble. On another couple occasions I started to notice how he complained about the service everywhere we went to eat or where he stayed if it was a hotel in order to get something for free or at a discount, nothing was ever done right or good enough for him and I finally separated myself from their friendship due to the negativity that came out of their mouths and the influence they had on my moods.

Everyone has a bad day. Everyone is entitled to a bad day. I am more than willing to give everyone the benefit of a bad day or a bad week. However, this was obviously his personality and she was a part of him and she was wanting to be with him and I knew I couldn’t handle him and his negative personality without it affecting me and my moods. I had a choice to make. My choice was clear.

I had to choose to not have that negative influence in my life. I can only have him in my life in small doses. I was sad to have to cut out my friend but I knew that it was better for my state of mind not to have the negativity in my life. Even having someone who is mostly depressed all the time as she was is difficult for me. If they have more good days then bad I can handle it but otherwise, I will find myself struggling to be their friend because it begins to bring my mood into a downside as well.

Last year I was given the opportunity to become a Certified Recovery Support Specialist which is something I thought I wanted more than anything. I have always wanted to teach others how to find their way into recovery. I still do. However, what I learned is there is a lot of times I would be given a client who was still not ready to be in recovery. They were still in the depression phase of the illness and they weren’t willing to do the work to get better. I struggled every day as I listened to them tell their stories and poured out their hearts and I would many times cry with them. I would leave my position every day feeling drained and overwhelmed. I quickly decided that wasn’t a job I could do. I could not handle that job. I wanted something that left me feeling good every day not leaving me feeling sad. Crisis intervention was not for me.

Again I learned that I needed to be around positivity in order to keep my self in a good mood. I have to keep my environment happy. Otherwise, I have a mess on my hands. What about you do you make sure to cut toxic people out of your life when you meet them? Do you protect your mind from the negative things that threaten it? How do you make sure to keep your mind safe from negative influences in this world?