In this interview with Tim Blue listen as we discuss everything from over spending when manic my largest total being $37,000, to hypersexuality and how it is possible to lose your license for something as simple as taking a bipolar medications. Having bipolar disorder is no joke. It is a serious illness with serious consequences and if you don’t recognize the illness and stand up and become mindful of the symptoms, it will take you for everything you have.
Many of you have read my life experiences with bipolar disorder, now listen as Tim and I discuss many of the things you have only been able to read about and now can hear it from me, myself as Tim and I talk very candidly about my life.
I saw a post on facebook about how the pizza chain Little
Ceasers put a sign in the window of their store for a homeless person to stop
going through their trash. It starts off where you think you are going to get
mad but as you finish reading the sign, you are overcome with joy as you
realize the sign is telling them that they are a human being and to please come
inside and they will offer them a couple of slices of hot pizza and a glass of
water no questions asked. That no person should have to go through the trash
for food. As I read the sign I was so moved that I found myself placing my hand
over my heart and letting out a large sigh.
I then proceeded to read the comments
I then proceeded to read the comments. I didn’t, however, read
them for very long, because I was so upset by the ignorance that I was
blindsided by. I cannot believe that in this day in age that so many people are
so ignorant to the fact that there is so much more to the issue of just homelessness
than just “get a job”.
To look at me you would think I am very capable of holding
down a job. It seems like a very reasonable thing. I am high functioning and
very smart, coherent most of the time. I am a good worker when I do work. I
have many skills and when I go to work I am on time and I do what I am told to
do. I am normally placed in management positions shortly after I become an
employee. I excel fast and I move at a fast pace and can multi-task and I do
wonderful normally for about a year to a year and a half at most jobs. Then the
delusions set in.
My workplace delusions will be of other co-workers or my
boss being out to get me. They all want me fired. I just know it. That will
lead to me keeping a scorecard and to a lot of undue stress. Eventually, I
start being careless and missing steps in my position. The write-ups begin and
before I know it my work life as well as my personal life starts to unravel.
This isn’t just a scenario that has played out once
This isn’t just a scenario that has played out once, but a scenario
that has played out several times over many years over and over and over again
and I am a high functioning person with a severe type of mental illness. Take a
person who has a severe type of mental illness and may not be high functioning.
Maybe they hear voices all day long when my delusions are raging like they have
been recently there is no way I could try to work as well. I can not imagine
For someone to claim “maybe they should just get a job” is
the most heartless thing a person can say. They have obviously never sat with
someone while they were experiencing delusional thoughts or experienced delusions
themselves. Mental illness is so much more than just feeling sad. Bipolar
Disorder is so much more than just mood swings or being moody. There is so much
more to it than “just get a job”. This
country needs to wake up and help those of us in need. People are homeless
because they don’t have the support system at home that is needed to survive so
they only have the streets and if as a fellow human being they can’t turn to
you who can they turn too!
It’s a choice
This Little Ceaser’s made a choice to do something good for a fellow human being. A good thing for someone in need. If every fast food chain, the ones that were in the green and making a good profit did the same and tried to give even two meals away because we know you throw at least that many away a day. If they could just give two meals away a day. It could end hunger in this country among the homeless. Instead, we have greed.
I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself lately
for having bipolar disorder. Even though I know it isn’t something I can help
having. I feel like when the delusions are raging and the disease is out of
control it is at my own doing that things are falling apart. As if it is all in
my control and there is a magic button that will make all the bad parts of this
disorder disappear if I just do everything I am supposed to.
Fortunately, that is how it works a majority of the time. If
I take care of myself and do the things I lay out for myself in what I call my
bipolar care plan I normally don’t have any slip-ups and if I do they are very
minor slip-ups and they don’t take but a little tweak and I am back on routine
I have experienced a major relapse episode of
Recently though, I have experienced a major relapse episode
of mania. That episode has now put me into a questionable position of being in
a mixed state. A mixed state in bipolar is where you are still experiencing symptoms
of your mania like some of your inability to sleep, your agitation, irritability,
some of your focus, and many other of manias characteristics but you are
clearly in a deep depression and not euphoric at all.
Mixed states are the
most dangerous times for those of us living with bipolar disorder. When someone
with bipolar disorder is in a mixed state that is most often when they will
take action on their threats of suicide and turn the threats into an actual
attempt on their life. Most of the time when someone is in a mixed state they
are also feeling like they have no will to live at the same time. If they do
feel like they have a will to live it will be a last minute decision to take
their life and act on the feeling and because it is something they have thought
long and hard on in the past they already knew how they would go about taking
their life if they even thought they would do so.
It has been since 2008 since I wanted to take
Let me be clear. It has been since 2008 since I wanted to
take my life. It has only been in the last 3 months that the thought of suicide
has even returned to my thoughts. I had not thought about suicide in so long I
thought I was free from ever having thoughts like that again. This disease is a
nasty beast. It sucks the will to live out of you because you just want the
pain and delusions to stop. You just want to stop hurting everyone else. You
just don’t want everyone to hurt because of you anymore. I know that my
stopping my hurt in that matter would actually do more harm than good. I would
never take my own life. I can’t lie though and say I am not thinking about it
again and that once again I am not suicidal. I am. I very much am. I, however,
promise you even though I am thinking about it. I do not have a plan in place
and I am not going to act on it.
I need to get myself back to a place of recovery and wellness.
Bipolar Care plan 101: Step 1: Self-Care; today I went to get a pedicure and to
get my nails done at 2:30 I will walk to the gym and jog. I have set a goal to
get back to running again, I would like to actually find a 5K and run it with my
husband. That seems pretty lofty but manageable. I don’t know how he feels
about that, but I like the idea of us doing it together. Once I get through
Step 1: Self-Care. I never stopped Step 2: Medication, I kept that up the
I am one of the lucky ones
I am one of the lucky ones I have said this a million times.
I have support. The support of my husband who loves me unconditionally and the
support of the rest of my family and friends. I am blessed. Bipolar sucks. If I
have to have it, at least I am lucky enough to have it with people around me
that love me. Thank you to each of you that take the time to love me, check on
me, and send me messages, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I love each of you and you
mean so much to me. I am more of a person because of each of you.