Interview with Tim Blue

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https://www.blubrry.com/to_know_we_are_not_alone/44349756/medication-hyper-sexuality-bi-polar-disorder-and-hope/?fbclid=IwAR2KL4sBatgs918N9UH9dlZEkYKoioPUa66QN9AkKrPpsKC04P7MBddGEiM

In this interview with Tim Blue listen as we discuss everything from over spending when manic my largest total being $37,000, to hypersexuality and how it is possible to lose your license for something as simple as taking a bipolar medications. Having bipolar disorder is no joke. It is a serious illness with serious consequences and if you don’t recognize the illness and stand up and become mindful of the symptoms, it will take you for everything you have.

Many of you have read my life experiences with bipolar disorder, now listen as Tim and I discuss many of the things you have only been able to read about and now can hear it from me, myself as Tim and I talk very candidly about my life.

Feeding the Homeless

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I saw a post on facebook about how the pizza chain Little Ceasers put a sign in the window of their store for a homeless person to stop going through their trash. It starts off where you think you are going to get mad but as you finish reading the sign, you are overcome with joy as you realize the sign is telling them that they are a human being and to please come inside and they will offer them a couple of slices of hot pizza and a glass of water no questions asked. That no person should have to go through the trash for food. As I read the sign I was so moved that I found myself placing my hand over my heart and letting out a large sigh.

I then proceeded to read the comments

I then proceeded to read the comments. I didn’t, however, read them for very long, because I was so upset by the ignorance that I was blindsided by. I cannot believe that in this day in age that so many people are so ignorant to the fact that there is so much more to the issue of just homelessness than just “get a job”.

To look at me you would think I am very capable of holding down a job. It seems like a very reasonable thing. I am high functioning and very smart, coherent most of the time. I am a good worker when I do work. I have many skills and when I go to work I am on time and I do what I am told to do. I am normally placed in management positions shortly after I become an employee. I excel fast and I move at a fast pace and can multi-task and I do wonderful normally for about a year to a year and a half at most jobs. Then the delusions set in.

My workplace delusions will be of other co-workers or my boss being out to get me. They all want me fired. I just know it. That will lead to me keeping a scorecard and to a lot of undue stress. Eventually, I start being careless and missing steps in my position. The write-ups begin and before I know it my work life as well as my personal life starts to unravel.

This isn’t just a scenario that has played out once

This isn’t just a scenario that has played out once, but a scenario that has played out several times over many years over and over and over again and I am a high functioning person with a severe type of mental illness. Take a person who has a severe type of mental illness and may not be high functioning. Maybe they hear voices all day long when my delusions are raging like they have been recently there is no way I could try to work as well. I can not imagine it.

For someone to claim “maybe they should just get a job” is the most heartless thing a person can say. They have obviously never sat with someone while they were experiencing delusional thoughts or experienced delusions themselves. Mental illness is so much more than just feeling sad. Bipolar Disorder is so much more than just mood swings or being moody. There is so much more to it than “just get a job”.  This country needs to wake up and help those of us in need. People are homeless because they don’t have the support system at home that is needed to survive so they only have the streets and if as a fellow human being they can’t turn to you who can they turn too!

It’s a choice

This Little Ceaser’s made a choice to do something good for a fellow human being. A good thing for someone in need. If every fast food chain, the ones that were in the green and making a good profit did the same and tried to give even two meals away because we know you throw at least that many away a day. If they could just give two meals away a day. It could end hunger in this country among the homeless. Instead, we have greed.

Doing What I Know

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I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself lately for having bipolar disorder. Even though I know it isn’t something I can help having. I feel like when the delusions are raging and the disease is out of control it is at my own doing that things are falling apart. As if it is all in my control and there is a magic button that will make all the bad parts of this disorder disappear if I just do everything I am supposed to.

Fortunately, that is how it works a majority of the time. If I take care of myself and do the things I lay out for myself in what I call my bipolar care plan I normally don’t have any slip-ups and if I do they are very minor slip-ups and they don’t take but a little tweak and I am back on routine without question.

 I have experienced a major relapse episode of mania

Recently though, I have experienced a major relapse episode of mania. That episode has now put me into a questionable position of being in a mixed state. A mixed state in bipolar is where you are still experiencing symptoms of your mania like some of your inability to sleep, your agitation, irritability, some of your focus, and many other of manias characteristics but you are clearly in a deep depression and not euphoric at all.

 Mixed states are the most dangerous times for those of us living with bipolar disorder. When someone with bipolar disorder is in a mixed state that is most often when they will take action on their threats of suicide and turn the threats into an actual attempt on their life. Most of the time when someone is in a mixed state they are also feeling like they have no will to live at the same time. If they do feel like they have a will to live it will be a last minute decision to take their life and act on the feeling and because it is something they have thought long and hard on in the past they already knew how they would go about taking their life if they even thought they would do so.

 It has been since 2008 since I wanted to take my life

Let me be clear. It has been since 2008 since I wanted to take my life. It has only been in the last 3 months that the thought of suicide has even returned to my thoughts. I had not thought about suicide in so long I thought I was free from ever having thoughts like that again. This disease is a nasty beast. It sucks the will to live out of you because you just want the pain and delusions to stop. You just want to stop hurting everyone else. You just don’t want everyone to hurt because of you anymore. I know that my stopping my hurt in that matter would actually do more harm than good. I would never take my own life. I can’t lie though and say I am not thinking about it again and that once again I am not suicidal. I am. I very much am. I, however, promise you even though I am thinking about it. I do not have a plan in place and I am not going to act on it.

I need to get myself back to a place of recovery and wellness. Bipolar Care plan 101: Step 1: Self-Care; today I went to get a pedicure and to get my nails done at 2:30 I will walk to the gym and jog. I have set a goal to get back to running again, I would like to actually find a 5K and run it with my husband. That seems pretty lofty but manageable. I don’t know how he feels about that, but I like the idea of us doing it together. Once I get through Step 1: Self-Care. I never stopped Step 2: Medication, I kept that up the entire time.

I am one of the lucky ones

I am one of the lucky ones I have said this a million times. I have support. The support of my husband who loves me unconditionally and the support of the rest of my family and friends. I am blessed. Bipolar sucks. If I have to have it, at least I am lucky enough to have it with people around me that love me. Thank you to each of you that take the time to love me, check on me, and send me messages, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I love each of you and you mean so much to me. I am more of a person because of each of you.