Doing What I Know

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I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself lately for having bipolar disorder. Even though I know it isn’t something I can help having. I feel like when the delusions are raging and the disease is out of control it is at my own doing that things are falling apart. As if it is all in my control and there is a magic button that will make all the bad parts of this disorder disappear if I just do everything I am supposed to.

Fortunately, that is how it works a majority of the time. If I take care of myself and do the things I lay out for myself in what I call my bipolar care plan I normally don’t have any slip-ups and if I do they are very minor slip-ups and they don’t take but a little tweak and I am back on routine without question.

 I have experienced a major relapse episode of mania

Recently though, I have experienced a major relapse episode of mania. That episode has now put me into a questionable position of being in a mixed state. A mixed state in bipolar is where you are still experiencing symptoms of your mania like some of your inability to sleep, your agitation, irritability, some of your focus, and many other of manias characteristics but you are clearly in a deep depression and not euphoric at all.

 Mixed states are the most dangerous times for those of us living with bipolar disorder. When someone with bipolar disorder is in a mixed state that is most often when they will take action on their threats of suicide and turn the threats into an actual attempt on their life. Most of the time when someone is in a mixed state they are also feeling like they have no will to live at the same time. If they do feel like they have a will to live it will be a last minute decision to take their life and act on the feeling and because it is something they have thought long and hard on in the past they already knew how they would go about taking their life if they even thought they would do so.

 It has been since 2008 since I wanted to take my life

Let me be clear. It has been since 2008 since I wanted to take my life. It has only been in the last 3 months that the thought of suicide has even returned to my thoughts. I had not thought about suicide in so long I thought I was free from ever having thoughts like that again. This disease is a nasty beast. It sucks the will to live out of you because you just want the pain and delusions to stop. You just want to stop hurting everyone else. You just don’t want everyone to hurt because of you anymore. I know that my stopping my hurt in that matter would actually do more harm than good. I would never take my own life. I can’t lie though and say I am not thinking about it again and that once again I am not suicidal. I am. I very much am. I, however, promise you even though I am thinking about it. I do not have a plan in place and I am not going to act on it.

I need to get myself back to a place of recovery and wellness. Bipolar Care plan 101: Step 1: Self-Care; today I went to get a pedicure and to get my nails done at 2:30 I will walk to the gym and jog. I have set a goal to get back to running again, I would like to actually find a 5K and run it with my husband. That seems pretty lofty but manageable. I don’t know how he feels about that, but I like the idea of us doing it together. Once I get through Step 1: Self-Care. I never stopped Step 2: Medication, I kept that up the entire time.

I am one of the lucky ones

I am one of the lucky ones I have said this a million times. I have support. The support of my husband who loves me unconditionally and the support of the rest of my family and friends. I am blessed. Bipolar sucks. If I have to have it, at least I am lucky enough to have it with people around me that love me. Thank you to each of you that take the time to love me, check on me, and send me messages, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I love each of you and you mean so much to me. I am more of a person because of each of you.

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Remaining Mindful

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When I am going through a deep depression for some reason, I have a hard time practicing what I preach to others. I constantly talk about how important self-care is, but now that I am myself, going through a deep depression and I am to get myself out of it I am realizing the fact that what I have let go is my self-care. I have spent the last 4 years taking care of myself. It is the reason I didn’t work. So that I can tan, go to the gym, get my nails done, do my hair, clean my house, do my meditation, clear my mind, write, and do the things that I need to do to take care of me. Over the last five months I have lost sight of all those things and here I am thinking I want to go back to work or school when I can’t even get through the day without letting the delusional thoughts taking over my mind.

Delusional thoughts for me right now are my biggest struggle. I hate them. They consume me when my thoughts are bad. If I start off in a good state of mind during the day, it’s not a problem but if I start off in a bad mood or if I get triggered by something the delusional thoughts will begin and they snowball into a huge issue that wasn’t needed. I am working on being mindful again when those are starting.

Being mindful of them means knowing the thought is not real

Being mindful of them means knowing the thought is not real and recognizing that the thought is something that I am making up. No matter how real it may feel. An example is my husband not loving me correctly. My husband loves me very much and he expresses his love for me in his own ways. He always has. Through his support. By our bond, by our cuddling and the time he wishes to spend with me. I have never not felt loved by him. However, one of my love languages is when someone puts thought into something and buys something with me in mind or plans something for me. I am totally touched by those efforts and I love those things. It makes me feel special and totally adored and loved. He however isn’t that sort of person, does it mean he isn’t loving me correctly, well know he just loves me differently. I however feel a need isn’t being met with in me. I wish he could bend a bit with this, but it isn’t something I think he will ever be able to do. He does when things are good buy me a rose from time to time. Its been hardly ever now days. However, he does do it. I miss him doing it more often. It meant a lot more to me when he did it.

Just writing this blog is triggering to me because I feel myself getting triggered. I feel myself going into the delusional thought that he doesn’t do enough for me. When the man loves me in other ways. The man makes sure my medications are picked up every day and every time for me. He makes sure that they are put out every day and, in the right amounts, every day for me, to keep me safe. If I need anything he is there. He will hold me as I cry during a delusional break down because they just won’t stop. Not truly understanding what is happening but knowing I am hurting and that is all he needs to know to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. Many men would walk away at a time like that.

I am a lucky girl; I am a blessed girl

I am a lucky girl; I am a blessed girl and sometimes I forget how good I have it. For 21 and a half years I have had a partner who has stood by me and fought with me against this disease and let me stay at home while he goes to work to provide for us at a job with good insurance so that I can have good medical care to fight against this. I have it so good and I am so thankful for my husband.

I need to start treating him like I am thankful for him again. I need to remind him that I am blessed to have him and that he is my world. I would be nothing without him. He is my world. I am so glad to have him in my life and I think I should stop thinking about how he doesn’t love me and remember about all the ways he does love me. It is really about perspective. Our lives are different than many other people’s lives, because of bipolar disorder. Not that it’s all bad because of bipolar disorder but our lives are just never going to be like everyone else’s lives. That’s just going to have to be OKAY!  

My Delusions and My Husband

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Even when you think you are well recovery can take a turn and bite you in the ass and remind you that bipolar disorder must be thought about first and foremost. Sometimes I forget that I must put my disorder before everything else in my life. I must make sure that I put my bipolar care plan before I do anything else, which means that sometimes I may miss out on other things in my life that I may enjoy doing. It bothers me a lot. I, just like everyone else wants to go about my life as normal as I can be. However, if I don’t pay attention to what time I take my medication, pay attention to what time I go to bed, or how much sleep I get, if I don’t make sure I get some exercise and some sun, I could end up going manic or end up in a deep depression. My care plan is in place to keep me from having an episode and it is there to keep me safe.

I have a fear of being alone. This last two months my husband and I have been fighting an awful lot. We hadn’t done much fighting in the last five years. The problem is me. I have let my delusional thoughts take back over my mind because I have been fighting them so hard in another area of my life. I either need to learn how to control these delusional thoughts all together or I need to rid myself of the situation because my marriage needs to come first.

Delusional Thoughts are Overthinking

Delusional thoughts are basically overthinking. It is where your mind makes up so many thoughts that are so far from the truth about a situation that you start believing the own lies you have made up in your mind. For me, that means that I create problems where they don’t exist in the relationships in my life.

Some of the people in my life know how to shut those thoughts down for me very well and learned how to in a short time period, to do so with ease and I am now frustrated with my husband because he doesn’t have the skill set to be able to do the same for me. Sometimes all I need is to be reminded I am over thinking and that I am thinking too much. Sometimes I need a distraction or a good thought to move me away from the bad thoughts I am currently experiencing. Regardless, I am currently struggling because the thoughts have become so overwhelming.

Delusional thoughts have taken over. Mindfulness is going to take some practice again and I am going to have to remember to not say anything for now, because everything I try to talk to my husband about seems accusatory to him. I know I can’t try to actually discuss anything with him for now about my emotions or feelings on any matter. I am just going to have to let things be for now, and let my thoughts be my thoughts. I will have to take too here and my personal blog to write about what my thoughts are.

Suicidal Thoughts Resurfaced

Sometimes, just getting my thoughts on the screen can make all the difference in the world. It can ease my mind and make it easier to digest. When I am feeling delusional I get suicidal. Which is very difficult for me to handle because I don’t feel suicidal any other time. Only when I am truly manic and going through a true psychosis. Yesterday was the first time in almost 12 years that I begged for death. It was something I haven’t experienced in a long time and a thought that hasn’t crossed my mind for many years but as the delusions got harder to fight the only way I could think to end them was to take my own life. It was the only way out. That is the scariest feeling in the world.

Today looks brighter and I feel stronger and I have more hope today. My delusions have stopped for now. I have mindfulness at the forefront and I am keeping my self-care in mind. Bipolar care recovery is what I do best and rebuilding is what I know. Here is to a fresh start once again.