The In Bipolar Fashion Corner Boutique is your one stop shop for all your mental health recovery care needs. Whether it be a witty T-shirt or a favorite flavor of tea while doing your self-care you will be able to find it at the In Bipolar Fashion Corner Boutique. So come on in and have a look around you never know what you may find that you just can’t live with out!
Pictured below is a bracelet featured at the In Bipolar Fashion Corner Boutique!
“Smile and the world smiles with you if you frown you frown
alone” a simple saying that I was told my whole life. I had no clue what this
saying truly meant when I was a freshman writing it on the board for the quote
of the day because the teacher had forgotten to write a quote yet I felt the
board needed her daily quote and since I wasn’t particularly smart that was the
only thing I could come up with. It was a saying my mom would say to me when I
would walk around the house saying, “I’m bored” and whine and cry because I
wanted something to do. Not so different than I do now, meaning I still have
ADHD and bipolar disorder and I still get really bored and whine and cry about
it, only I am a grown up now. Today someone told me the same quote as I laughed
about the fact that my smile is authentic, and I often keep a smile on my face
these days even when facing depression.
It was about two years ago that I realized the need to cut
people out of my social circle when they had a negative influence on my
positive vibe due to the fact that the effect my moods because of me having bipolar
disorder. Bipolar Disorder is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in
mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day to day activities.
I had made a good friend within a group of friends my husband and I had begun
hanging around. She and I had started to go shopping on weekdays and go to
lunch, sometimes her boyfriend would join us and it was fun at first.
I then started to notice she would get lost in thoughts
about her relationship with him and that she would often time be lost wondering
if he loved her or often times if he even liked her. On one occasion her and
her boyfriend and my husband and I went to dinner and somehow I was very upset
by the end of the dinner about another person within our social circle because
of her boyfriend as we say “stirring the shit pot” purposely to cause trouble.
On another couple occasions I started to notice how he complained about the
service everywhere we went to eat or where he stayed if it was a hotel in order
to get something for free or at a discount, nothing was ever done right or good
enough for him and I finally separated myself from their friendship due to the
negativity that came out of their mouths and the influence they had on my
Everyone has a bad day. Everyone is entitled to a bad day. I
am more than willing to give everyone the benefit of a bad day or a bad week.
However, this was obviously his personality and she was a part of him and she
was wanting to be with him and I knew I couldn’t handle him and his negative
personality without it affecting me and my moods. I had a choice to make. My
choice was clear.
I had to choose to not have that negative influence in my
life. I can only have him in my life in small doses. I was sad to have to cut
out my friend but I knew that it was better for my state of mind not to have
the negativity in my life. Even having someone who is mostly depressed all the
time as she was is difficult for me. If they have more good days then bad I can
handle it but otherwise, I will find myself struggling to be their friend
because it begins to bring my mood into a downside as well.
Last year I was given the opportunity to become a Certified Recovery
Support Specialist which is something I thought I wanted more than anything. I
have always wanted to teach others how to find their way into recovery. I still
do. However, what I learned is there is a lot of times I would be given a
client who was still not ready to be in recovery. They were still in the
depression phase of the illness and they weren’t willing to do the work to get
better. I struggled every day as I listened to them tell their stories and poured
out their hearts and I would many times cry with them. I would leave my
position every day feeling drained and overwhelmed. I quickly decided that wasn’t
a job I could do. I could not handle that job. I wanted something that left me
feeling good every day not leaving me feeling sad. Crisis intervention was not
Again I learned that I needed to be around positivity in order
to keep my self in a good mood. I have to keep my environment happy. Otherwise,
I have a mess on my hands. What about you do you make sure to cut toxic people
out of your life when you meet them? Do you protect your mind from the negative
things that threaten it? How do you make sure to keep your mind safe from negative
influences in this world?
I saw a post on facebook about how the pizza chain Little
Ceasers put a sign in the window of their store for a homeless person to stop
going through their trash. It starts off where you think you are going to get
mad but as you finish reading the sign, you are overcome with joy as you
realize the sign is telling them that they are a human being and to please come
inside and they will offer them a couple of slices of hot pizza and a glass of
water no questions asked. That no person should have to go through the trash
for food. As I read the sign I was so moved that I found myself placing my hand
over my heart and letting out a large sigh.
I then proceeded to read the comments
I then proceeded to read the comments. I didn’t, however, read
them for very long, because I was so upset by the ignorance that I was
blindsided by. I cannot believe that in this day in age that so many people are
so ignorant to the fact that there is so much more to the issue of just homelessness
than just “get a job”.
To look at me you would think I am very capable of holding
down a job. It seems like a very reasonable thing. I am high functioning and
very smart, coherent most of the time. I am a good worker when I do work. I
have many skills and when I go to work I am on time and I do what I am told to
do. I am normally placed in management positions shortly after I become an
employee. I excel fast and I move at a fast pace and can multi-task and I do
wonderful normally for about a year to a year and a half at most jobs. Then the
delusions set in.
My workplace delusions will be of other co-workers or my
boss being out to get me. They all want me fired. I just know it. That will
lead to me keeping a scorecard and to a lot of undue stress. Eventually, I
start being careless and missing steps in my position. The write-ups begin and
before I know it my work life as well as my personal life starts to unravel.
This isn’t just a scenario that has played out once
This isn’t just a scenario that has played out once, but a scenario
that has played out several times over many years over and over and over again
and I am a high functioning person with a severe type of mental illness. Take a
person who has a severe type of mental illness and may not be high functioning.
Maybe they hear voices all day long when my delusions are raging like they have
been recently there is no way I could try to work as well. I can not imagine
For someone to claim “maybe they should just get a job” is
the most heartless thing a person can say. They have obviously never sat with
someone while they were experiencing delusional thoughts or experienced delusions
themselves. Mental illness is so much more than just feeling sad. Bipolar
Disorder is so much more than just mood swings or being moody. There is so much
more to it than “just get a job”. This
country needs to wake up and help those of us in need. People are homeless
because they don’t have the support system at home that is needed to survive so
they only have the streets and if as a fellow human being they can’t turn to
you who can they turn too!
It’s a choice
This Little Ceaser’s made a choice to do something good for a fellow human being. A good thing for someone in need. If every fast food chain, the ones that were in the green and making a good profit did the same and tried to give even two meals away because we know you throw at least that many away a day. If they could just give two meals away a day. It could end hunger in this country among the homeless. Instead, we have greed.
I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself lately
for having bipolar disorder. Even though I know it isn’t something I can help
having. I feel like when the delusions are raging and the disease is out of
control it is at my own doing that things are falling apart. As if it is all in
my control and there is a magic button that will make all the bad parts of this
disorder disappear if I just do everything I am supposed to.
Fortunately, that is how it works a majority of the time. If
I take care of myself and do the things I lay out for myself in what I call my
bipolar care plan I normally don’t have any slip-ups and if I do they are very
minor slip-ups and they don’t take but a little tweak and I am back on routine
I have experienced a major relapse episode of
Recently though, I have experienced a major relapse episode
of mania. That episode has now put me into a questionable position of being in
a mixed state. A mixed state in bipolar is where you are still experiencing symptoms
of your mania like some of your inability to sleep, your agitation, irritability,
some of your focus, and many other of manias characteristics but you are
clearly in a deep depression and not euphoric at all.
Mixed states are the
most dangerous times for those of us living with bipolar disorder. When someone
with bipolar disorder is in a mixed state that is most often when they will
take action on their threats of suicide and turn the threats into an actual
attempt on their life. Most of the time when someone is in a mixed state they
are also feeling like they have no will to live at the same time. If they do
feel like they have a will to live it will be a last minute decision to take
their life and act on the feeling and because it is something they have thought
long and hard on in the past they already knew how they would go about taking
their life if they even thought they would do so.
It has been since 2008 since I wanted to take
Let me be clear. It has been since 2008 since I wanted to
take my life. It has only been in the last 3 months that the thought of suicide
has even returned to my thoughts. I had not thought about suicide in so long I
thought I was free from ever having thoughts like that again. This disease is a
nasty beast. It sucks the will to live out of you because you just want the
pain and delusions to stop. You just want to stop hurting everyone else. You
just don’t want everyone to hurt because of you anymore. I know that my
stopping my hurt in that matter would actually do more harm than good. I would
never take my own life. I can’t lie though and say I am not thinking about it
again and that once again I am not suicidal. I am. I very much am. I, however,
promise you even though I am thinking about it. I do not have a plan in place
and I am not going to act on it.
I need to get myself back to a place of recovery and wellness.
Bipolar Care plan 101: Step 1: Self-Care; today I went to get a pedicure and to
get my nails done at 2:30 I will walk to the gym and jog. I have set a goal to
get back to running again, I would like to actually find a 5K and run it with my
husband. That seems pretty lofty but manageable. I don’t know how he feels
about that, but I like the idea of us doing it together. Once I get through
Step 1: Self-Care. I never stopped Step 2: Medication, I kept that up the
I am one of the lucky ones
I am one of the lucky ones I have said this a million times.
I have support. The support of my husband who loves me unconditionally and the
support of the rest of my family and friends. I am blessed. Bipolar sucks. If I
have to have it, at least I am lucky enough to have it with people around me
that love me. Thank you to each of you that take the time to love me, check on
me, and send me messages, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I love each of you and you
mean so much to me. I am more of a person because of each of you.
When I am going through a deep depression for some reason, I
have a hard time practicing what I preach to others. I constantly talk about
how important self-care is, but now that I am myself, going through a deep
depression and I am to get myself out of it I am realizing the fact that what I
have let go is my self-care. I have spent the last 4 years taking care of myself.
It is the reason I didn’t work. So that I can tan, go to the gym, get my nails
done, do my hair, clean my house, do my meditation, clear my mind, write, and
do the things that I need to do to take care of me. Over the last five months I
have lost sight of all those things and here I am thinking I want to go back to
work or school when I can’t even get through the day without letting the
delusional thoughts taking over my mind.
Delusional thoughts for me right now are my biggest
struggle. I hate them. They consume me when my thoughts are bad. If I start off
in a good state of mind during the day, it’s not a problem but if I start off
in a bad mood or if I get triggered by something the delusional thoughts will
begin and they snowball into a huge issue that wasn’t needed. I am working on
being mindful again when those are starting.
Being mindful of them means knowing
the thought is not real
Being mindful of them means knowing the thought is not real
and recognizing that the thought is something that I am making up. No matter how
real it may feel. An example is my husband not loving me correctly. My husband
loves me very much and he expresses his love for me in his own ways. He always
has. Through his support. By our bond, by our cuddling and the time he wishes
to spend with me. I have never not felt loved by him. However, one of my love
languages is when someone puts thought into something and buys something with
me in mind or plans something for me. I am totally touched by those efforts and
I love those things. It makes me feel special and totally adored and loved. He
however isn’t that sort of person, does it mean he isn’t loving me correctly,
well know he just loves me differently. I however feel a need isn’t being met
with in me. I wish he could bend a bit with this, but it isn’t something I
think he will ever be able to do. He does when things are good buy me a rose
from time to time. Its been hardly ever now days. However, he does do it. I
miss him doing it more often. It meant a lot more to me when he did it.
Just writing this blog is triggering to me because I feel myself
getting triggered. I feel myself going into the delusional thought that he
doesn’t do enough for me. When the man loves me in other ways. The man makes
sure my medications are picked up every day and every time for me. He makes
sure that they are put out every day and, in the right amounts, every day for
me, to keep me safe. If I need anything he is there. He will hold me as I cry
during a delusional break down because they just won’t stop. Not truly
understanding what is happening but knowing I am hurting and that is all he
needs to know to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. Many men would walk
away at a time like that.
I am a lucky girl; I am a blessed
I am a lucky girl; I am a blessed girl and sometimes I
forget how good I have it. For 21 and a half years I have had a partner who has
stood by me and fought with me against this disease and let me stay at home
while he goes to work to provide for us at a job with good insurance so that I
can have good medical care to fight against this. I have it so good and I am so
thankful for my husband.
I need to start treating him like I am thankful for him again.
I need to remind him that I am blessed to have him and that he is my world. I
would be nothing without him. He is my world. I am so glad to have him in my
life and I think I should stop thinking about how he doesn’t love me and remember
about all the ways he does love me. It is really about perspective. Our lives
are different than many other people’s lives, because of bipolar disorder. Not that
it’s all bad because of bipolar disorder but our lives are just never going to
be like everyone else’s lives. That’s just going to have to be OKAY!