Contentment

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Over the last several months I have seen my mental health recovery take a major blow. I went from being stable in my recovery to have a major episode of mania to a major episode of depression. It is amazing to me how I was so prepared yet I still managed to have such a horrible experience and devastating ramifications from such an episode.

I have been married for almost 22 years and my husband and I have had our ups and downs due to my illness. Over the last five years, we have really learned how to work together. That was until recently. It seems like somehow we have lost all the ways we once knew how to communicate. We lost touch with how we once loved each other and how we cared for each other.

It has been a complete struggle for me since I have been dealing with delusional thought processes and feelings of discontent. I often struggle with feelings of discontent in my life so that isn’t something new for me. However, sometimes the feelings are so strong that I have no control over trying to make something new happen in my life. I struggle to make something exciting and something different to take effect and to take hold. Many times that may be starting a new friendship or a new career or another line of education. I see it as growth. My husband, however, sees it as another failed attempt I have made towards succeeding at something that I tried and didn’t like. I do not think if I am not content in something I should do it forever. Especially since I am not the breadwinner of the family and many times the things I am doing are just another job of some sort that pays minimum wage or just slightly more. Until a job is more than a job but an actual career I don’t see why I should be forced to do something I am not content or happy in.

This last episode has taught me a few things and in a way, I am glad I have had it happen. I have been very complacent. Just letting life pass by, not knowing what to do next. I have been so scared of starting over again. I have been so worried because of my husbands fear of my failure, my own insecurities of failure blossomed and began to form and take over my life. It was like when he doubted I could actually make something happen in my life I no longer believed in myself either and that became a fundamental problem in me. Not believing something as simple as being able to hold down a part-time job made me lose all the value I had in myself as a human being and doubting that I could even hold down a part-time job because I was so broken because of my illness made me feel so dehumanized. Not to mention trapped. Trapped and not able to get out of my house but trapped in a marriage that even though I wanted to stay in it knowing I had no other choice was infuriating. I felt as though my husband had made me stop believing in myself and made me believe I would fail in order to control me and make me stay with him and make me believe I was so broken no one else would ever want me and he was my only option for survival.

Now in saying this, it sounds as if my husband is a bad guy. I need to say, no my husband is great. If he did control me he did so out of love, without knowing he did so. He never meant it to come across how it did. He never meant for me to feel devalued or worthless it was never his intent for me to feel that way. Every morning my husband gets into a safe and gets out my medication and sets it out and he picks up all my medications at the pharmacy weekly, he takes damn good care of me and provides a damn good life for us. So why do I feel controlled?

It’s simple really. He doesn’t believe in me. He is always waiting for the shoe to drop. He is always waiting for the mess up. He is always expecting the fail. When you have already failed in someone’s eyes before you begin, then you are never going to live up to the expectation that they have set for you. He doesn’t believe I can do it. I start school in the fall for digital media, I wonder how many classes I will have to pass before he realizes I am actually in school and that school is my first priority.

I make things happen. It’s what I do. When I am not content I begin something new to fill a void. A new friendship, a new career, a new line of education. I have laid dormant for three years, I am ready to find some contentment again. I am ready to find some peace of mind. I am ready for something to keep my racing thoughts from racing, something to keep me busy. I am ready for school. I am ready.

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Interview with Tim Blue

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https://www.blubrry.com/to_know_we_are_not_alone/44349756/medication-hyper-sexuality-bi-polar-disorder-and-hope/?fbclid=IwAR2KL4sBatgs918N9UH9dlZEkYKoioPUa66QN9AkKrPpsKC04P7MBddGEiM

In this interview with Tim Blue listen as we discuss everything from over spending when manic my largest total being $37,000, to hypersexuality and how it is possible to lose your license for something as simple as taking a bipolar medications. Having bipolar disorder is no joke. It is a serious illness with serious consequences and if you don’t recognize the illness and stand up and become mindful of the symptoms, it will take you for everything you have.

Many of you have read my life experiences with bipolar disorder, now listen as Tim and I discuss many of the things you have only been able to read about and now can hear it from me, myself as Tim and I talk very candidly about my life.

My Delusions and My Husband

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Even when you think you are well recovery can take a turn and bite you in the ass and remind you that bipolar disorder must be thought about first and foremost. Sometimes I forget that I must put my disorder before everything else in my life. I must make sure that I put my bipolar care plan before I do anything else, which means that sometimes I may miss out on other things in my life that I may enjoy doing. It bothers me a lot. I, just like everyone else wants to go about my life as normal as I can be. However, if I don’t pay attention to what time I take my medication, pay attention to what time I go to bed, or how much sleep I get, if I don’t make sure I get some exercise and some sun, I could end up going manic or end up in a deep depression. My care plan is in place to keep me from having an episode and it is there to keep me safe.

I have a fear of being alone. This last two months my husband and I have been fighting an awful lot. We hadn’t done much fighting in the last five years. The problem is me. I have let my delusional thoughts take back over my mind because I have been fighting them so hard in another area of my life. I either need to learn how to control these delusional thoughts all together or I need to rid myself of the situation because my marriage needs to come first.

Delusional Thoughts are Overthinking

Delusional thoughts are basically overthinking. It is where your mind makes up so many thoughts that are so far from the truth about a situation that you start believing the own lies you have made up in your mind. For me, that means that I create problems where they don’t exist in the relationships in my life.

Some of the people in my life know how to shut those thoughts down for me very well and learned how to in a short time period, to do so with ease and I am now frustrated with my husband because he doesn’t have the skill set to be able to do the same for me. Sometimes all I need is to be reminded I am over thinking and that I am thinking too much. Sometimes I need a distraction or a good thought to move me away from the bad thoughts I am currently experiencing. Regardless, I am currently struggling because the thoughts have become so overwhelming.

Delusional thoughts have taken over. Mindfulness is going to take some practice again and I am going to have to remember to not say anything for now, because everything I try to talk to my husband about seems accusatory to him. I know I can’t try to actually discuss anything with him for now about my emotions or feelings on any matter. I am just going to have to let things be for now, and let my thoughts be my thoughts. I will have to take too here and my personal blog to write about what my thoughts are.

Suicidal Thoughts Resurfaced

Sometimes, just getting my thoughts on the screen can make all the difference in the world. It can ease my mind and make it easier to digest. When I am feeling delusional I get suicidal. Which is very difficult for me to handle because I don’t feel suicidal any other time. Only when I am truly manic and going through a true psychosis. Yesterday was the first time in almost 12 years that I begged for death. It was something I haven’t experienced in a long time and a thought that hasn’t crossed my mind for many years but as the delusions got harder to fight the only way I could think to end them was to take my own life. It was the only way out. That is the scariest feeling in the world.

Today looks brighter and I feel stronger and I have more hope today. My delusions have stopped for now. I have mindfulness at the forefront and I am keeping my self-care in mind. Bipolar care recovery is what I do best and rebuilding is what I know. Here is to a fresh start once again.